Trenton Oldfield, who we reported on earlier this week, has been found guilty in court. The nautical man has been sentenced to four years of solitary confinement, with only a cassette player and a Coldplay CD for company. It is rumoured that, with good behaviour, he will be allowed out, briefly, to see Pussy Riot in concert.
Responding to his sentencing, Mr Oldfield said ‘It’s no more than I deserve. I really dropped the ball on this one and have nothing but remorse for my inappropriate choice of swimming venue. I won’t make this mistake again, not for four years at least.’ Mr Oldfield’s lawyer said that he was disappointed with the verdict but that he wasn’t ‘really bothered’ because he gets ‘paid either way’.
A possible reprieve might come Mr Oldfield’s way, according to insider reports, if he is able to scale his way up a seemingly unassailable pit wall. Similiarities between these insider reports and the way that Batman escaped in The Dark Knight Rises are purely coincidental.